the house of sick

Welcome to the house of sick, where all the members are sick 5 out of every 7 days for months at a time. Coughs and Colds and Sneezes, Oh My. ICK!

In emotional news, after a few months and plenty of wellbutrin, I'm comfortable in saying that the PPD has receded. The change in my life (and I can only assume in the lives of my loved ones) has been huge. I don't wake up miserable and counting the seconds until I can climb back into bed and turn it all off again. I've regained a touch of my pre-pregnancy confidence and there's a calmness and ease with parenting that I hadn't had at any time, previously.

Zane has been amazing. I finally feel like I can appreciate him. - Little guy, can you ever forgive me for being such a grouch? -

In contrast, I can hardly believe how horrible I felt before without even knowing what was going on. It felt like I was drowning in my own insufficiency... for 4 achingly long years.

Now begins the process of clawing my way back into the world of the living.

how do I love thee?

So much of my time is spent trying to convince this little person that good can only come from a trip to the park/ to the coffee shop down the street/ a walk/ to the corner store/ putting on clothes/ putting on shoes/ putting on a clean diaper/ eating anything of or even remotely pertaining to protein/ keeping recently-stepped-in-dog-poo shoes out of ones mouth/ brushing teeth... well, you get the idea.

At this stage of the game, he doesn't really want to do anything. I'm kinda at a loss. It will surely pass, but how on earth do you get anything done in the mean time? Typically, I let him "do nothing" rather than force my will down his throat. But, sometimes, I really, REALLY just want to go have some coffee/ go for a walk/ go to the corner store.......

well ain't that just swell?

You may have noticed that the blog has taken a bit of a back seat this past year. To be honest, I've been having some trouble deciding if I wanted to continue. I'm still deciding, but for now, being here feels good. I've had kinda a lot of things going on and none of it was really the kind of thing I wanted to discuss with anyone.

My husband and I are having some challenges adjusting to our (new?) lives as a family unit. The last thing I want to do is embarass him any further than I have on this blog already, so I'll hold back the details. Suffice it to say that we have a lot of differences that didn't come up much or seem like a very big deal until after we had a child. At which point, the "deal" seemed to grow to monsterous proportions.

Meanwhile, just before Zee's 3rd birthday, he weaned. I had the mercury-based fillings removed from my teeth (all 20 or so of them) and did not want him exposed. Frankly, I had been ready for some time and the state of my teeth just made it easier to break the news to my husband that "You don't have to like it but I am finished, now. No, right now!"

While child-led weaning is truly a beautiful thing for lots of people, after almost 3 years without any realistic help, I was beginning to resent the intensity of nursing and needed it to stop. And, it did.

The depression didn't pass as I'd hoped it would. I could no longer recognize myself in more ways than one, and I hated the mother I had become. Always angry. Always yelling. Always complaining. Always frazzled. Always vibrating with the frustration of my every day life.

Having stopped nursing, I was free to have-at the anti-depressants, and have-at-em, I did. I started with Prozac. After a few weeks, the old standby did nothing for me. Increasing the dosage 2 times did nothing, either. I moved on to wellbutrin which allowed me the distinct displeasure of what I can only imagine was a "manic episode" of some sort. For several days, I did nothing but clean and yell at my husband for being so messy. Fun, no. Productive, Yes! Unfortunately, still, not a great place to be.

I cut back on coffee. That was just what I needed. Now, 2 or 3 months in, I'm seeing glimpses of who I was before I got pregnant. It seems that somewhere between getting pregnant and having a 3 year old, I forgot all about myself. Forgot who I was. Forgot that I could actually laugh once in a while. Forgot that I actually have things that I enjoy all by myself without any input from anyone else. No wonder I was so damned angry.

What sucks is that I've been internalizing all this and seriously blaming myself for having zero patience or not being able to think straight enough to speak coherently, let alone cultivate my child's creativity. The fact is, its not my fault. It just is and its something I can work on. Having the ability to step back with just a smidgen of perspective has made so much difference.

I can feel myself parenting better. Hell, I'm almost competent. Read: I don't let the little booger run wild all over me just because I don't know how to focus his energy without booting him in the rump. I am able to help him control himself much better because I can control MY thoughts and reactions so much easier. I'm relieved. Zane is showing signs of being more at ease with me, too. Its lovely. I thought I was losing my mind. Turns out this was all just one extra-super-long stint of PPD.

In school news, I took an online class this semester and finals week just passed. I did pretty well. The workload for an online class is just ungodly, but I feel great having completed it and done well. I'm excited at the prospect of going back full time in September. Here's to getting a master's degree, soon!

Well, I don't have much more writing left in me, tonight. I am however, glad to be back.

is it bedtime yet?

3 is an interesting age. We thought 2 was a bit trying. We were wrong. *we being my husband and I. "3 is a wonderful age" they said... "at 3, all they want to do is please you" they said... "its such a joy" they said... what a load of shit that was. These people obviously didn't have my child at home, or maybe they've just lost their minds, what with all the "joy" and all. At any rate, my house is not like that at all, no sir.

Fast-forward to today, or pretty much any given day over the last few months.


Zane: Mommy, come build with me!?!

Me: Sure, I'd love to build with you. Please come pick up these dinosaurs with me, so we can build with the blocks.

Zane: Can you build with me, Mommy?

Me: Zane, we don't play with another toy until the first one has been put away.

Zane: MOMMY! WILL YOU build with me!?!

Me: Zane, you cannot play with the blocks until you've helped mommy pick up the dinosaurs.

Zane: NOOOOOOOOO! BUILD WITH ME!!!!!!

Me: Zane, I'm not kidding, don't dump those blocks out of......

Zane: MOMMY! STOP! TALKING! *dumps blocks*


I'm just so tired. the outright defiance, the obstinance, and the talking. Oh GOD, the talking. He talks constantly. No, really. When he's not talking, he's singing, and requires you (meaning me) to sing along with him, and heaven forbid you forget the words. He requires complete engagement every second that he's awake. No one tells you about that, do they? I swear, I'm not complaining, really. I'm just.. sleep deprived and feeling a little scrambled. How do you DO it? How? How, mommy, How? No, How? No, mommy, really, how? How? HOW? HHHHHHOOOOOOWWWWWWW!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! my brains are broken and oozing out of my ear.

okees

Its rainy here, which in itself isn't necessarily a bad thing, I mean, who doesn't love a few good gray days every once in a while? But, with the addition of the leaking, gray weather has become a source of moderate blue-ishness around these parts.

We still have a leak in the kitchen. We're on something like our 5th or 6th contractor, and I'm about ready to lose it. Our roof is still holding water. I'm at the end of my rope... and that rope is sopping wet... wet with buckets of tears... and rain... and terrifying, fuzzy black and pink mold spores. Excuse me while I go turn up the air filter.

*deep breath* - "In with calm"
*slow, deliberate exhale* - "Out with frustration"
*deep breath* - "In with lightness"
*slow, deliberate exhale* - "Out with anger"
*deep breath* - "In with Xanax"
*slow, deliberate exhale* - "ahhhh...what was my problem again..."

Everything else seems to be going fairly well, and that is certainly a relief. Zane's doing well in school. Kitty's healthy, pouncing the other cats and having a good old time again. Duane's doing ok. He's still got some serious stress going on, but he's dealing with it ok, at the moment.

My mother-in-law had a serious, blood-born infection, caused by bacteria that entered at the site of her dialysis port. The port has been replaced, and the infection cleared from her system. She's due home in a day or two.

My father is back to his same, old, ornery self, and healthy as a horse.

Me? Oh, I'm fine. Just trying not to lose my shit over something as stupid as a leak in the kitchen. It just wouldn't make sense. *Shrug*

PS: our camera has been broken for some time, now. What I thought were dead batteries were in fact, a broken battery compartment. I have no pix to share, currently, but will figure it out, I promise.

oh, baby

oh, my poor baby

Lil bub has a cold. I opted to give him some herbal baby expectorant over the main-stream OTC stuff, because it has lots of other good stuff to help with his cough and the mucus AND because its considerably safer than the other crap.

Well, the herbal med tastes pretty gross. He took it anyway, like a little man. BUT he also promptly threw it all up, along with his Thai chicken curry, directly into his bath water.

Being he has only thrown up a total of 2 other times in his whole life, he's so not used to vomiting. It freaked him out pretty badly.

After another quick bath, he was still crying a bit, but his Dad did a great job explaining it to him. They talked about throw-up for a good 5 or 10 minutes. I was a little amused and a lot proud of both of them.

School has been great for him. His ability to communicate has grown about 10 fold. He is such an amazing boy. I'm in awe of him, just about every minute of every day.

Go Kitty, Go!

Our Kitty is doing much better, much faster than anticipated. She had her feeding tube removed this morning, and is eating on her own. Her Liver function is back to normal and her Blood Sugar is moving its way down. (hopefully to 0 in the very near future)

She was allowed to come out of seclusion upon returning from the Vet, today, and things seem to be going very well.

Have a great week!

black cat sat

Our middle kitty has fatty liver and pancreatitis. I was wrong about the infections anemia.

The vet explained that the inflamed pancreas (cause of feline pancreatitis is largely unknown) was likely to have caused her to stop eating -thus causing the fatty liver- but also likely to clear up on its own.

Cats were meant to eat several small meals over the course of a day and have plenty of exercise, what with the catching and disemboweling and all. The typical house cat has none of this active hunting or eating routine and infact, runs a high risk of becoming overweight.

When an overweight cat stops eating, the fat stores mobilize, and if I understand correctly, inflitrate the liver. A cat's liver is unable to handle such a large influx of fat and this leads to "fatty liver".

We'll have to feed her through a tube, [surgically inserted into her stomach and protruding from the neck] for about 3 or 4 weeks, until her appetite returns on its own and the whole deal should clear itself up.

So, that is that.

keeping you in the loop

We 3 were involved in a car accident (for which the other driver has accepted full responsibility for making a left turn from the middle lane and ramming into the side of my fricking 3-month-old car) which resulted in almost $9,000 in damage to our vehicle. Duane's back is seriously messed up. My back is stiff and ouchy. Don't really know how Zane feels.

Got the car back on Friday morning. It's not right. Need to bring it back and raise a bit of hell.

We left for our (supposedly week-long) vacation in the mountains on Friday afternoon.

We came back to town on Saturday morning, because Duane's job had a problem that no one else could fix. He fixed it in 15 minutes.

On returning to the house, we realized that one of the cats was really sick. We brought her to the Local Animal Hospital and found out that she's anemic and jaundiced. The vet suggested that she be admitted for further tests.

Mark my words, when I say: We'll be spending somewhere in the neighborhood of $2,500 so they can tell us that she has "Feline Infectious Anemia" and sending us home with a bottle of doxycycline and another of prednisone... YAY!

update

My father's surgery went well. He had a triple bypass and looks healthier than ever. He says he feels great.

Zane and I have been with him, every day, to keep him company and do his drive-related errands, since he's unable to drive for a few weeks, yet. He says he's not going back to work, and is planning to move as soon as his doctors give him the go ahead.

My uncle (and god-father) died on Tuesday night of a massive heart attack. I visited with my aunt and cousins in between visits to my father's house. He was a very sweet and generous man. He's missed by just about everyone who knew him. Everyone send some warm, healing thoughts to their family, they need it.

In happier news, my baby-boy is growing up, faster than ever. He starts preschool next month, and I really think he'll have a lot of fun.

He's had a few milestones over the last 2 or 3 weeks. He fell asleep for the night, in his dad's arms on Saturday. This is the first time that he has slept for his dad, ever. And, after much freaking out on my part, he spent all day, Friday with a baby sitter, and didn't have any trouble, whatsoever. Not even so much as a whimper. In fact, I think he had FUN! He also took a nap for her, in his stroller.

Zane's still getting his 2 year molars... OUCH! He's been teething on and off for a few months. His teeth always take forever to come in. More a problem for him than for anyone else, though. He doesn't get too bothered by it, as long as he has stuff to chew on. They do seem to give him a good deal of trouble at night, though.

I think that's it, right now. Everyone wish me lots of sleep! and, have a great week.