Existential Predicament

As we age, I'm told that many people find god and make peace with their stations in life.

I have not.

The older I get, the less I believe; and I mean that in every sense.

I find it very difficult to believe in people (excepting of course, my son) as many of the adults I've known seem to have this innate propensity for dishonesty and ugliness. People talk all the time about children lying but I find children to be more honest than any other age.

Adults seem focused on their own fulfillment excluding all others. They seem to have nary a care for the lives, thoughts or feelings of others and some even dash the hopes of others for sport alone. We are cruel to one another and none of it seems to matter to anyone.

Women berate and belittle each other in a time-tested game of "I'm better than you are". We scrutinize each other to the point of ridicule, over: income, weight, style, age, parenting skills, intelligence, choice of mate, mental stability, career choice and I'm sure there are more that escape me at the moment. Men are no better.

I have NO faith.

Not only are people cruel to each other but what kind of god would allow such suffering to exist and not step in? If god were all-seeing and all-knowing and still allowing such atrocities IN HIS NAME, none-the-less, then even disowning the victims for denouncing him after the cruelty they'd experienced, would that not be a cruel and merciless god? I have no more patience for the pathetic, long-winded dogma. god is a lie.

The logic doesn't follow anymore. All I know is what I am RIGHT NOW and even that can be shaky at times.

In case you haven't noticed things are tough here, right now.. but that's ok. Things get hard then they get easier. It happens to all of us.

I'm just tired of putting my faith and my fate in the hands of a liar and addict. I'm tired of being the only person in this house who has any awareness of anyone outside of themselves. But I have no place to go and no income to do it with. So I wait, and I work diligently toward the next small goal, so that someday when I smile and speak of hope to my child, I won't be faking it.