well ain't that just swell?

You may have noticed that the blog has taken a bit of a back seat this past year. To be honest, I've been having some trouble deciding if I wanted to continue. I'm still deciding, but for now, being here feels good. I've had kinda a lot of things going on and none of it was really the kind of thing I wanted to discuss with anyone.

My husband and I are having some challenges adjusting to our (new?) lives as a family unit. The last thing I want to do is embarass him any further than I have on this blog already, so I'll hold back the details. Suffice it to say that we have a lot of differences that didn't come up much or seem like a very big deal until after we had a child. At which point, the "deal" seemed to grow to monsterous proportions.

Meanwhile, just before Zee's 3rd birthday, he weaned. I had the mercury-based fillings removed from my teeth (all 20 or so of them) and did not want him exposed. Frankly, I had been ready for some time and the state of my teeth just made it easier to break the news to my husband that "You don't have to like it but I am finished, now. No, right now!"

While child-led weaning is truly a beautiful thing for lots of people, after almost 3 years without any realistic help, I was beginning to resent the intensity of nursing and needed it to stop. And, it did.

The depression didn't pass as I'd hoped it would. I could no longer recognize myself in more ways than one, and I hated the mother I had become. Always angry. Always yelling. Always complaining. Always frazzled. Always vibrating with the frustration of my every day life.

Having stopped nursing, I was free to have-at the anti-depressants, and have-at-em, I did. I started with Prozac. After a few weeks, the old standby did nothing for me. Increasing the dosage 2 times did nothing, either. I moved on to wellbutrin which allowed me the distinct displeasure of what I can only imagine was a "manic episode" of some sort. For several days, I did nothing but clean and yell at my husband for being so messy. Fun, no. Productive, Yes! Unfortunately, still, not a great place to be.

I cut back on coffee. That was just what I needed. Now, 2 or 3 months in, I'm seeing glimpses of who I was before I got pregnant. It seems that somewhere between getting pregnant and having a 3 year old, I forgot all about myself. Forgot who I was. Forgot that I could actually laugh once in a while. Forgot that I actually have things that I enjoy all by myself without any input from anyone else. No wonder I was so damned angry.

What sucks is that I've been internalizing all this and seriously blaming myself for having zero patience or not being able to think straight enough to speak coherently, let alone cultivate my child's creativity. The fact is, its not my fault. It just is and its something I can work on. Having the ability to step back with just a smidgen of perspective has made so much difference.

I can feel myself parenting better. Hell, I'm almost competent. Read: I don't let the little booger run wild all over me just because I don't know how to focus his energy without booting him in the rump. I am able to help him control himself much better because I can control MY thoughts and reactions so much easier. I'm relieved. Zane is showing signs of being more at ease with me, too. Its lovely. I thought I was losing my mind. Turns out this was all just one extra-super-long stint of PPD.

In school news, I took an online class this semester and finals week just passed. I did pretty well. The workload for an online class is just ungodly, but I feel great having completed it and done well. I'm excited at the prospect of going back full time in September. Here's to getting a master's degree, soon!

Well, I don't have much more writing left in me, tonight. I am however, glad to be back.