dreams and haircuts

This morning, I had a horrible dream. I woke up to a very cranky Zane. He had awakened from my hugging him too closely in my sleep. Here’s the dream:

Zane was about 2 years old. He and I were with family and friends at the beach. (None of them were actually people I know, but in my dream they were family and friends.) One of the young (about 16 y/o) male cousins wanted to take Zane for a walk along the beach and I agreed to let him go, after making sure he wouldn’t let Zane go into the water.

I took a quick walk up to the house (which was beachfront) and when I left the house, to come back and wait for Zane, I saw my cousin, alone.

I looked at him and asked the obvious, “where is Zane?”
He said, “He didn’t want to walk with me anymore, so I just came home.”
I said, “So where is he?”
He said, “I dunno.”
“NO!!!!”

That’s when I lost my mind and began running up and down the beach, screaming his name, and crying. I didn’t find him. It felt like I was running for hours, but no one saw him. He just disappeared. There weren’t many people at the beach that day. It was cold, and no one was in the water. The day was clear and I could see for miles. He was nowhere. He was just gone. My eyes are tearing from the memory alone.

The sensation has lingered all day. Fear doesn’t cover it. Despair doesn’t come close. There are no words to describe how it felt. I guess emptiness was in there, somewhere… But the thoughts that were overwhelming me most were about his terror and his longing and his pain. So much so that I couldn’t really even find my own emotions.

But it was just a dream. It was just a dream. It was just a dream. It. Was. Just. A. Dream.

I will now change the subject.

I got my hair cut today. This will forever be the first day, ever, that I absolutely loved my haircut. It's really short. Shorter than it's ever been. But it's been thinned out alot and I love it. And, get this... the cost was exactly 10 bucks plus tip. AND!!! she cut my hair with Zee sitting right there, next to me. In mere minutes. She's my new best friend, and I love her.

I told her that I will be following her, wherever she goes. If she has the gaul to leave the salon, she's taking me with her. If she leaves the state, I'm coming, too. If she leaves the country, she better get 2 plane tickets, or make room for me on her lap... because I'm coming too.

Slide a cheek, Sherry. Kris is coming with you!