big like me

My relationship with food can be summed up in one word: consuming. I've gotten to the point that it takes up much more thought than it should.

The problem is simple. I'm big and getting bigger. I am active, so I must be eating too much. I'm not a chips or snacks kind of girl, but I never met a cookie I didn't like. When I did the low-carb, high-protein diet, I had decent results and for once in the last 10 years, I wasn't hungry all the time. The problem is, it only got me so far. Not to mention that denying myself everything for very little pay back was miserable.

To me, low-carb just doesn't feel nutritionally complete. For a few years, I told myself it was just my old-way of seeing food, and I had to readjust my thinking if I was going to succeed, but the truth is, I can't eat that way forever. I just can't. And, every time I jump off the wagon, I feel worse and I gain more weight. Now, I feel and look like a bumpy, miserable, middle-aged house-wife. I pass a mirror and I'm literally disgusted with the woman looking back at me. I don't want to feel that way anymore, but I'm at a loss.

I have learned quite a bit from low-carbing it. Now, I am an ardent label-reader. When given a choice, I will choose the sugar-free version whenever I can. I leave the breading and flour off of the foods I make, and rarely cook a starch with dinner. Of course, I love bread... but it's not good for me. I try not to eat it.

I've learned that grains are not the holy grail that everyone seems to think they are. In fact, our systems aren't really meant to eat them, unless there is nothing else to eat. I believe we should get our fiber from vegetables, not grains. Not only is it hard (for some, even impossible) to digest most grains but grains take too much time and effort to make them edible. So much effort, that without modern convenience and grain processing plants, it would take so much energy to make grain into food that it hardly justifies the energy we would get from eating them. Grains were what humans ate when they had nothing else, not the mainstay of their diet.

But, let me get back to the point.

I've had enough with dieting. I wasn't ever a dieter when I was young and thin. It took me 10 years and 40 lbs to learn my lesson, but guess what... I've finally caught on. Dieting is for suckers. I'm about 40 lbs heavier than I was 10 years ago, and at that time, I was at the heavy end of normal for me. I don't believe I'll ever get back to that weight again, no matter what I do, even though I desperately wish I could. But, I'm telling the world, here and now that I don't want to diet again. It just makes me fatter and the deprivation is torture.

See, the problem with me and dieting is fairly common, from what I can tell. When I'm on the diet, I do very well, following all the rules religiously for weeks or months. Then, for one reason or another, I'll eat something I shouldn't, and it starts the spiral. That one little mistake turns into days or weeks of me eating whatever bad-foods I can in the attempt to get them all in before I start the diet all over again.

A really bad food-day for me, now would look something like this: Wake up, eat yogurt and fruit with granola or a bowl of flavored (pre-sweetened) oatmeal. Go to lunch and eat a sandwich with some sort of crusty bread or a salad with chunks of cheese and sugar-laced dressing (sometimes bread) and drink half of a medium Chai Latte (usually pre-sweetened). Eat a peanut butter cookie on the way home. Come home and make a decent dinner consisting of something along the lines of pork chops and broccoli or baked chicken and sauteed spinach with olive oil & garlic. Eat a cup of yogurt with fruit or a bowl of ice cream or lemon sherbet. Go to bed.

A good (non-atkins) food-day for me would look like this: Wake up, eat 2 eggs, scrambled. Eat a salad with tuna and some kind of sugar-free dressing. Don't snack, don't drink anything but water. Eat a regular dinner, consisting of a protein and a veggie or another salad with protein. Don't eat any snacks. Go to bed.

So, that's great, you may think... Just stick to the good-day plan... Except that I still don't lose any weight when I eat properly. I actually continue to gain weight. Even when I'm exercising religiously, I don't lose weight. I simply gain less. And, yes, I mean REALLY exercising. I mean going to the gym for an hour and a half, 6 days a week. Staggering cardio and weights, every other day for 3 months. I mean... give me a friggin break.

You can keep that smelly gym and its stinking but otherwise perfect, well-oiled bodies... At least I don't have to torture myself while I become bigger and less attractive, right? Hell, maybe it's my thyroid. Maybe my system is still getting back on track. And, maybe I'm just going to live out my days as a matronly, frumpy, style-less mess.

Oh and don't get me started on the over-priced potato-sacks that pass for plus-sized fashion, these days. I tried Lane Bryant. Not only are their clothes ugly AND expensive, but they are poorly made and nothing in that place fits me properly. My boobs are too big and my waist is too small. My butt is not big enough for their pants, but my thighs are too big. In fact, nothing, NO-THING I've tried on since my son was born fits me. I'm stuck wearing too-tight t-shirts and huge, bulgy pants.

You wouldn't know it to look at me now, but I used to be quite stylish. I really think it would go far in helping my self esteem if I could, at least look a little better at this size. I feel ugly, and my attitude reflects that. I don't even try any more. When I was younger, I didn't leave the house without a little mascara and doing some kind of work on my hair. These days, I'm lucky if I shower.

Do people treat me differently? Yes. Does it make me feel more self-concious? Yes. Does it hurt? Yes. I never realized until I became overweight, just how horrible it is to be "fat" in our society. When you're overweight, you get the very distinct impression that you are a non-person.

Even on a good day, when I'm well-rested, and "well-groomed" and my face hurts from pushing out a smile for too long, people treat me much differently than they used to. The reality is, life is easier when you're young and attractive. People meet your gaze instead of looking through you. Sales-people actually try to help you. Men smile and hold more doors. Strangers make small talk and rarely does the conversation have anything to do with the FOOD you eat or the exercise you aren't doing. And what's even worse is that I don't have anything left to counter, anymore. I'm tired and STARVING and sometimes, busting at the seams from trying to fit into something I shouldn't have.

So, now what? I just don't know. When I figure it out, I guess I'll let you know. Till then, I'll have the cookie. In fact, give me two.