Dearest Boy

Dear Zane,

I am having a little surgery on my tummy, tomorrow. The doctor will give me some medicine to make me really sleepy. and the doctor will take out the stuff that doesn't belong there, because it is making me feel a little sick and then I will wake up and come home. Its likely not going to be a big deal but, I'm still a little scared. I am also a superstitious fool. There's a tiny part of me that hopes putting these thoughts and fears into real words, will somehow make it all the more likely that everything will be just fine.

Of course, I also need to know (in the event that something does go wrong) that the last words you ever know of your mom don't consist of something meaningless, like... "Let mommy put your socks on, please!" Or, worse... "Please don't pinch the cat!" Hopefully, someday, I'll look back on all this and laugh as I read it back to you, myself.

You may think I'm being a bit dramatic, or making too much of the situation, and that's ok, because I am. I've never been one to be upset by a small surgery or some sketchy possibility of cancer. Having you in my life has changed that, just a little. All I can think of is how much I would miss you. I can't even stand the thought.

Let me gush just a little, while I tell you how wonderful you are. You are so very very smart. You are 28 months old and you draw, every chance you get. You draw pictures of people -daddy, mostly- with 2 eyes, 2 eyebrows, a mouth, 2 legs and 2 arms. You draw concentric circles EVERYWHERE and sometimes, "zigzags" or straight lines. When you're not drawing, you are either coloring, or singing, or dancing, or playing your little piano.

You like to listen to songs and then try to play them on your piano. (I'm not joking, I even taped it) Your favorite song, right now, is the teapot song. You make daddy and I sing it over and over and over again, until we turn blue and beg you to stop.

You are currently learning that letters make up words and have learned to read a few of them by sight. Sometimes I think you're smarter than I am, already. When you're a teenager, we're so going to be in for it, I'm sure.

About your dad...

He's a really good man. He doesn't talk a whole lot about how he feels, and sometimes, you may wonder if he knows you at all, but he does. I swear it. When it really counts, he's there for you and he knows just what you need. He has more love for you than anyone or anything. More than he ever thought possible.

When you were born, you taught us both about love. You're still teaching us, every day. You're a beautiful little soul and the world is better because you're in it. I love you with all of my heart.

Love,
Mommy