Breastfeeding is good for the soul

We've been learning how to use a baby sling/pouch over the last few weeks and things are going very well. We get it right, most days and he just loves being up high and still close to me but able to watch everything. Breastfeeding has been going very well. It was amazing, almost like I woke up one day and everything was better. I'm so glad I stuck with it.

If I didn't have Kate to tell me everything I was feeling was normal, I surely would have given up months ago, and we wouldn't have gotten to this point. Without breastfeeding, I'm sure I wouldn't have the confidence that I have in my ability to parent my son. There were many times when it was the only thing I could offer him, and without it, I could have very easily handed him off to his dad, or someone else to give him a bottle, instead and I wouldn't have had to handle all of the issues we have come to work through. To be honest, I had to force myself to like the baby in the beginning, and if not for breastfeeding, I wouldn't have had to examine my feelings so often or so closely.

Now that I have some time and space between me and zee's birth, There are a lot of things that I realize. I gave birth to my son by c-section and though the surgery was much easier to handle than so many other moms I've spoken with, it was still a c-section and I worry that a lot of our problems may have been from the birthing process.

I felt very involved in my c-section surgery, thanks to some very forward-thinking doctors, and a marvelous midwife, but Zee was more than likely scared to death. I didn't hold my son right away. I didn't get to hold him for about an hour. My husband held him right after he was born, but then the nurses convinced him to let them take the baby to the nursery where he was all alone. THEY washed him, let him cry alone, and may have given him a bottle or a pacifier, but I'm not totally sure about that.

Zee's been kind of a tough baby, from day one. He has reflux, but not at all as badly as some babies do. I can't cuddle him or snuggle him, but he demands to be held every waking moment. He's always got to be moving or he screams bloody murder. He will rarely tolerate a bouncy chair or a baby swing for more than 5 minutes at a time, in fact he doesn't tolerate much of anything. He is an angry baby and for a very long time, I swore he hated me.

I learned to feed him with his head raised above his stomach and to burp him often... That way, I was the only one in pain, most of the time. It wasn't until I stopped trying to work against him that I finally got any rest at all, and I still work very hard at trying to understand what he's telling me. We still get it wrong a good part of the time, but we're learning how to work together a little bit every day. I got through mastitis, thrush, and nipple confusion and I can, NOW truly tell you that I would do it again without a second thought. (I'll save the ppd story for another post.)

I will surely struggle with low-self esteem for the rest of my life, but with each hurdle I overcome, I feel just a little better about myself. My son needs a confident mother and I need to be a strong woman for him, if I ever want him to have healthy relationships... and, I do!