the listen lady

I don't make friends very easily. There are many people that I care for, but not many who really know me, to my core. Among other things, I believe the main cause to be that I never know just how much of myself is ok to reveal. This means that I either reveal too much, inadvertantly scaring people away with my morbid sense of humor and sensitivity or I reveal too little, leaving ppl to think I'm shallow or worse... none too bright.

Essentially, I take everything to heart. Everything. I've had lots of people try to thicken my skin or "cure me" of my sensitivity, over the years. As you can see, that's worked well. eh yeah... anyway....

I often find myself in the position of the listener. I am the person that total strangers bare their souls to. I'm the one that gets cornered at the party while some drunk starts talking about how his girlfriend left him 5 years ago. I usually don't mind... I usually just try to be a sounding board. I do my damnedest not to judge, just to listen and move on. (though some times I'm better at this than others) But some friends don't handle it well when I reciprocate. They can talk, but they don't want to listen. I actually had one friend who used to talk over me, any time I started speaking about myself. She literally just started talking, any time I opened my mouth unless I was about to respond to something she had just said. I ended that friendship quickly.

Well, after talking with my close friend today, she offered me a different view of the situation. She was very honest with me, as only a friend can be. What I understand from this conversation is that the reason people don't listen to me is that I'm a classic example of a "toxic person" (look it up) and it's the last thing I ever wanted to be. It's a hard thing to accept that my feelings are impacting others so strongly. I thought I had come so far in my mental "journey". I have been working like hell to be a better person for my husband, for my child, and for myself. I thought I was doing a better job of keeping my negative feelings under control. I was apparently wrong.

This woman's opinion has been important to me, as I see how she works to be the best mother she can to her child. I'm sure that she would never find herself in such a position with a friend.

She explained that I had pretty much sucked the life right out of her the other day, with my rain-soaked, over-tired, dejected self, my screaming baby, and my negative attitude. Maybe it's post-partum depression. Maybe it's just me, being generally mental. Maybe I need different friends. Maybe I need not to have any friends. Maybe I shouldn't be allowed to have kids. Maybe she's full of shit. Maybe I need to work harder. Maybe I shouldn't be honest with anyone. Maybe its time to revisit the shrink's couch, because we all know that I really have an extra 150 bucks to throw away twice a month, to hear someone say I can do whatever I want, again.

Who fucking knows? I need a big freakin' break.