Recently, I've been reading about circumcision again, since talking to a pregnant friend about her choice to circumcise her son. We spoke about it very briefly at her baby shower, where I felt her out and gave her a quick list of the reasons why I made my choice. I know I'm not going to change her decision, no matter what is said and that's a hard bit of truth for me to swallow. My only recourse is to write about it here and get it out of my system.
She is doing what she believes to be in her child's best interest and wants only to save him embarassment by choosing what she deems the "social norm" I on the other hand, believe that male circumcision is not only unnecessary, but also cruel.
This surgery has devestating effects that start with the trauma of intense pain in one so young and SENSITIVE. It often hinders the breastfeeding relationship and problems resulting from the surgery can even follow a man into old age. Among other things, many people believe that the erectile disfunctions experienced so often in older men, today are a direct result of physical desensitization of the genitals, caused by the exposure of the glans through cirumcision.
In her opinion, my choice to keep my son intact was bordering on irresponsible. In my opinion, her choice to circumcise her son without educating herself is barbaric.
Why, you may ask, does my friend's decision weigh so heavily on my mind? I could go on and on about how vile and horrid the practice of circumcision is to the children involved, or I could explain to you that foreskins are sold to cosmetics companies for testing and for use in anti-aging creams, and further the the cause of the conspiracy theorists. I could even explain how most of these surgeries are supposed to be done with a local anesthetic, but they rarely are, and when an anesthetic is used, it usually isn't given time to take effect.
But, no. The true answer to why this so disturbs me is really pretty simple. I want so much to be able to speak calmly with her and lay out _all_ the reasons why I disagree without watching her glaze over, but I'm afraid. Not only of spending all the energy and emotion on someone who really doesn't want to hear it but I'm also afraid of alienating her and still not accomplishing anything.
I want to be better at respectful, diplomatic discussion. But I have a tendancy to either be too pushy with my knowlege, or to be a complete pushover just to save myself the emotional agony of "hashing it out". I feel like I could make a difference for her child, if I were better at communication. I have all the information. I know it like the back of my hand, I just can't bring myself to tell her anything else on the subject and I almost feel like a coward for not saying more.
And that, in my book, is just deplorable.
That's why someone else's choice bothers me so very much. I feel like I could make a difference if I were of a stronger constitution... or maybe even a better diplomat... But, I'm not. Not when its someone else's kid.
THere's that part of me that says. "leave it alone!"
If anyone within reading distance is considering circumcision, please watch one first. That's all I ask. http://www.intact.ca/vidintro.htm
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
"Custom will reconcile people to any atrocity." - George Bernard Shaw
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5 comments:
I too chose not to circumcise my son. My choice, like yours, was based on the same things. He is twenty-three now, and has only asked me once why. I made my explanation, and told him if it troubled him, when he was of legal age he had the choice to have it done himself. Since to the best of my knowledge, he has not changed anything, I guess he has accepted it, and perhaps even agrees with me. I don't know, as we no longer discuss such private issues. That is for him and his wife to deal with.
Well, I can really relate to your struggle over how much to say and at what cost. I went round and round a few years ago trying to "educate" a friend about the evils of epidurals which is pretty mild compared to circumcision. Both of my brothers aren't circumcised - one is 31 and the other is 20. The younger one thinks it's the worst thing my parents ever did to him (yes, he can be a tad dramatic). Apparently he was teased pretty badly in the locker room by a kid who also wasn't circumcised and was trying to get the attention off him. E's made comments that as soon as he can afford to he's going to fix it, but then I haven't heard anything lately. My 31 year old brother says it was never any big deal, he was rarely, if ever, self-conscious about it. E is horrified that I'm not going to circumcise if we have a boy - I figure if our son wants circumcised that badly he can decide for himself when he's an adult, but until then intact it shall remain. I didn't know a lot of what you mentioned about it though - thanks for sharing the info!
thanks for your comments.
You've reinforced my belief that I have made the best decision for my son by not allowing the unnecessary surgery without his input.
at least he'll be older and anesthetized if he should decide to have the surgery on his own when he's "of age". (though I really hope to supply him with enough info/reasons not to)
When I was teaching natural childbirth classes, on the subject of circumcision I told my students this:
"The way I made my decision was to envision myself WATCHING the procedure. If I couldn't stand there and watch it, I knew that it would be wrong for me to walk down the hall, cover my ears, and let it happen."
Of course, I gave them all the data about how unnecessary the procedure is, etc., but that simple observation, "if you can't watch it, don't do it." worked for many people.
My midwives hated it when they had to perform a circumcision, but if the parents insisted on it they HAD to stay in the room while it was done. That changed some minds.
My son is 10 now and we've talked about it a bunch. He has thanked me for sparing him that pain.
I've been trying to imagine what that conversation will sound like, in a few years. FOr some reason, I just can't picture it in my head.
I just hope I handle it well for him.
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