don't be like that, baby.

I know I'm a little late, but I don't get a lot of time to post on subjects that require more than a second or two of thought and energy.

Yesterday, Andrea at "the Aitch" posted about her parenting insecurities and about feeling judged by other mothers for making what they apparently deemed as "inappropriate" choices.

I won't be commenting on the original discussion that prompted Andrea's post, as I have no real knowlege or understanding of that situation, but purely on the discussion that is taking place on her blog, in the link.

In particular, Andrea sited crunchy/AP moms as being more judgemental of other mothers who make more mainstream choices for their children. I have to admit that I've taken part in my share of bad-mouthing other's parenting choices.

It's usually something fairly obnoxious and trivial, like: "Can you believe she let her hyperactive 5 year old eat all that sugar?" And, the conversation is usually a private one. But the truth is, it's still judgement and I'm belittling another parent in the process. As this comment would imply that said woman has done something to make her child hyperactive...

In general, when I'm not getting my "bitch" on, I tell myself that I'm pretty open-minded about other's parenting styles. I understand that what is not right for me, may be magic for someone else. I also understand that I'm not some perfect mother that sees all and knows all, and can decide what the rest of the world should be doing with their kids forever, into eternity. In fact, I know that I make lots of mistakes.

I would like to point out that I've gotten a lot of guff from mainstream parents, such as my mother-in-law and sister-in-law, and many of the other mothers in my MOMS club who insist on telling me such things as: I'm spoiling my child because I don't make him cry himself to sleep every night, OR that my son should be forced to nap in the afternoon, OR that my kid is too energetic and the reason is because I carry him too much. I didn't know that a well behaved child is one that is content to lie quietly, flat on his back, awake, for hours at a time, at the age of 8 months with no interraction with his mother or anyone else. --Hell, there I go, judging again.

The Club moms seem to think I'm a little strange, even though I'm really not what you'd consider "crunchy". I use a sling, we co-sleep, I'm still breastfeeding, and we're a no-circ family, yet we also use disposable diapers and I feed my son the same thing that we eat for dinner. Sometimes, he even eats something from Gerber (oh horror!) We watch TV. We boycot Disney. Usually, it's just the Noggin channel, or we listen to the radio. It's not Jerry Springer, but I know it's not the optimal choice.

I swore I'd only feed my child organic food and his eyes would never see the TV. I was lying to myself. To be honest, there are days when I need the TV to save my sanity, and that's it. But, I digress. My point was not to defend my choices to the internet, but rather to discuss the issue of mother-judgement.

Do we, mothers, judge eachother because we're desperate to proove our own worth as mothers and women? Or is it something else?

Why is it that we ALL say that mothers deserve more support, but very rarely do any of us actually give it?

And, why, in all of this discussion of hurt feelings, are the women who commented on Andrea's post being so damned judgemental, themselves? Even in criticizing those who pass judgement, we can't help but speak with cruelty, ourselves. How do we stop it? When do we reach the fill line? At what point do you stop looking down your nose at the other mother walking toward you on the street, and offer her a smile, instead?

When a mother makes a choice that differs from my own, it is NOT my job to tell her to do it some other way. My job is to tell her, "You're doing your best and your kids will be better for that." I will strive to be more supportive of the mothers I know and the mothers I have yet to meet. I hope you will too.