babies babies, everywhere

A few weeks ago, a friend of mine gave birth to her 3rd daughter. This brought up a lot of unexpected feelings in me. Not the least of which being, "Thank god that's not me... Not yet."

I was planning for sometime next year for Duane and I to start trying for number 2. The hope was that we would have a sibling for Zane, around when he hits 3 or 4 years old. That would be sufficient time for us to buy a house and get settled, and I'd still squeak by, having #2 just under the 40 mark. That would also put Zee right around the age to understand things a little better.

Last I heard, Duane was onboard with this schedule, financially and emotionally. Besides, who knows if we'd even conceive? I'm no spring chicken, and it was certainly no picnic the last time. That being said, I was also committed to accepting the possibility of having an only child, if we were unable to conceive, this time around. Can you tell that I'd been digesting this for quite some time?

There are many reasons why I had hoped to have more than one child. I actually wanted more, but it took so long for Duane to come around to the thought of having just one, that now, my time is dwindling, and I realistically, only have time to have (maybe) 1 more, if I'm lucky. Not to mention that Duane was NEVER willing to have more than 2.

I was an only child. I grew up with no connections to anyone in this world, except my mother. When she was alive, she was overbearing. When she died, I had no one. It was my deepest hope that my child not grow up that way. For many years, I tried to latch on to friends or boyfriends, and make them the "family" I never had. That was always a mistake and never ended well. There were times when I felt there was no love left for me, in the world. Not the case, I know, but at the time, it was devastating.

I am older than most parents of children in Zane's age group. I'm technically old enough to be his grandmother. I will probably die before many of those other mothers. I'm afraid to leave him alone. I'm afraid of the woman my husband would marry, and where my son would go in that instance. Would Duane send him to live with his mother? He's certainly not capable of raising him alone. I can't even get him to watch Zane for a few nights a week so I can finish my degree. I have to prod him, just get get him to take out the trash, or wash his underwear, or make the kid a real breakfast, or brush his teeth, or change his diaper.

Frankly, I don't want Duane's mother raising my son, either. She didn't do such a bang-up job with my husband, and she has even more issues, now. She raised Duane to be fairly responsible, but not terribly motivated. He is also, very much a liar. But, I digress.

I don't want my son to be alone in the world. I want him to have a sibling. Someone to fight with, someone to laugh with, someone to make fun of his parents with. Someone who will always be his family, no matter what.

My husband no longer wants to have another child. Throughout the course of tonight's discussion, I heard things like: "College will be too expensive, by the time Zane graduates high school" "We can't afford it" "I should just stop killing myself to advance this family, because you obviously dont' care" [I say, if you want to advance this family, then get a job that pays you what you're worth and stop blaming it on me.] "Kris, you're being selfish, think of Zane"

I am thinking of Zane. There is a big part of me that wonders if this is just the convenient excuse Duane needed to shut the door on the prospect of another child. He is selfish. He always has been. I knew it, and I married him anyway.

He didn't want to move in with me, because he liked his single life, just as it was. He didn't want to get married. Once, when I was trying to talk to him about commitment, after we had been seeing each other for MANY years, he told me that he didn't think he wanted to marry "ME" because I just had too many problems. He didn't want any children with me for the same reason. He didn't want to do anything that might change his life, because he wasn't ready to give up his rave-dj persona.

He had his little clique of friends and he was a big fish in that particular pond. The pond wasn't big enough for me. I wanted a family. Scene-life was shallow and ultimately, unrewarding for me. Honestly, I secretly always felt just a little "too old for that shit".

Duane finally agreed to start trying to have a baby. The first month we officially tried, I told him to pick up a pregnancy test on his way home from work. He was so freaked out and upset that he literally lost his voice, for a minute. See, vocally, he agreed, but he never really made the commitment, in his head. That's the way he does everything. He's never up front about a god-damned thing... And, I'm tired of it all. He never says what he really thinks. NOT. EVER.

I know I'm not perfect, by any means. I'm probably quite difficult to live with, sometimes. But I try with all of myself to be true to my husband and my child. The truth is that I don't like a lot of things about my life, right now. I wish I had known that Duane hadn't actually stopped lying. I wish I had known that he wasn't going to help me raise our son, but continuously complain to me about how expensive it is, then passive-aggressively nudge me into working for his company, but never allow me time *without the baby* to do the work.

More than anything, I wish I had realized that I'd have to fight, every day of my life, just to get an inkling of respect from this man, not to mention some appreciation of my effort, time, love and knowlege.